Vicki’s Blog

Rambling Thoughts

Wow, that would usually be a title that my sister would use, but that is how I feel right now…I have so many things running through my head right now.

With any luck I will be taking my mid-term test this morning. Was hoping to have it done a week ago, but things didn’t go as planned. Than we had it set up to take Monday morning, but again things went haywire….I just hope and pray that things go according to plan this morning, because I REALLY want to get it done and out of the way!!! I am soooooooo nervous!!! Realistically I “know” that I will be fine, and should pass with flying colors, but there is that ever-present fear of failing. Anyway, I’ll let you know how it goes.

I want to thank the people that have commented on Meg’s latest post!! She will be thrilled, and I will try to help her get around and comment back to people.

The girls are in SOOOOOOOOOOOO much trouble!!!! Yesterday evening they asked if they could go outside and play. I said yes, but stay in the front yard. They said they would…..Anyway, about 15 minutes later I go out to check on them, and they are no where in sight….I call and call, but to no avail….I start to get a little worried, but not much….I walk around the house, and than walk up and down the block looking for them, still calling for them….No sign of them still…..Okay, now I’m panicing!!!! I run back to the house and grab my keys and phone and drive around the block, still no sign of them…..I call a friend of mine that lives just 2 blocks away, thinking that perhaps the girls had gone there….She wasn’t home, but said she hadn’t seen them….by this time, I’m completely freaking out!!! I drive by one side of the park, while my friend drives by the other side, she calls home to make sure the girls hadn’t shown up there….Again, I’m freaking!!!!…I drive around our block again and spot the girls in my front yard….I pull in, and well, we’ll just gloss over what happens next….I’m crying because I was so scared, and so relieved to find them…but I am so mad at them!!! Anyway, they are upset because they had seen me drive off….I ask them where they were….they were across the street at our neighbor’s house, helping her do some planting in her back yard. There would have been no problem, had I known that’s where they were….but I didn’t, and they didn’t have permission to go over there. I still wonder how they could not have heard me calling for them!! I mean, I’m not exactly a quiet person, especially when I start getting upset or scared!!! Anyway, all is well…..

I don’t think they will ever realize how badly they scared me!!! I mean, you hear stories of kids being snatched from their front yards all the time, and truth be told, no matter how “safe” my small town is, those are the thoughts I had running through my head….That and perhaps their biological father came and snatched them away from me. Neither thought is very realistic around here, but realistic enough to go through my head!! I was so scared!!! Even now, thinking of how I couldn’t find them, brings tears to my eyes, and makes my heart pound!! In any case, they were very sorry for scaring me, sorry enough that I really believed they meant their apologies!! However, this does NOT excuse the fact that they COMPLETELY disobeyed me, as I had told them to stay in the front yard, nor does it excuse the fact that they KNOW they are NEVER to go ANYWHERE without telling/asking me if it’s okay!!!! Last night they were made to sit in their room, hopefully reflecting on the error of their ways…as well as banned from being outside without an adult!!!!

It bothers me though….that I can’t trust them to carry out the simplest of instructions, like “stay in the front yard”!!! I mean, we aren’t talking about babies here!!! They are 8 and 1/2 and 7 years old!!! Am I expecting too much of them?? What am I doing wrong in gaining their respect and obedience?? I just don’t know….and I don’t know what to do!!! Perhaps my memory is faulty, but I sure don’t remember disobeying such things at that age. Did I Dad?

Okay, enough dwelling on last nights events….It’s making me scared all over again….hmm, what else can I talk about??

Oh, here’s one….ANTS!!!!!! My house, like most others here in this town have been invaded with ants!! They are everywhere!!! They are what are called Sugar Ants, which I have issues with that name, because they are places where sugar is not present!! *LOL* They are present in every room in my house, on almost everything in my house!!! It’s maddening I tell you!!! Anybody got a good solution, aside from an exterminator?? Something that is safe for kids and pets as well!!

The girls have been a big help around the house lately!! Acouple of days ago, Desi folded laundry without being asked!! And yesterday Meg did the dishes, and Des folded more laundry…I did have to tell them to do it, but they did it without complaint!! Last week, Des vacuumed like 3 times, again, without being told. I think she is finding that she likes doing stuff around the house, and helping me, of which I am so happy, and proud!!! There help is something I’ve been striving for, for quite awhile now, and I am so proud that they (especially Des) are starting to realize how much I need and appreciate their help!! Meg is a little slower in doing….I pretty much have to tell her what she needs to do, and even then sometimes she dallys doing it, I think in hopes that Des will do it for her….but she’s coming a long. Getting her to do things without complaining is a good start!!! And I have put a stop to Des doing for her. Like yesterday when Meg did the dishes, I told Meg that she needed to put the dishes away…and she kept asking Des to help. Well I told her and Des both, that Des would help put away the things that Meg can’t reach, but that Meg needed to put away what she could, because that is part of doing the dishes, and Des had done her chore of folding AND putting away laundry, so it wasn’t fair for Des to have to do Meg’s chore too…Meg understood, and finished putting away the dishes without another word, well except for her non-stop chattering!! *LOL*

I have such good girls, and I am so proud of them!!! Yes, even with the problems, like yesterday, I still feel that they are awesome girls!! Sometimes I get annoyed with them, when they don’t act the way I think they should, for their age, but I have seen IMMENSE improvements in the last 6 or 9 months!!! Things have gotten better, and I am confident that they will continue to get even better!! How upset they were yesterday, after I explained how scared I was, that is an improvement too!! They were genuinely sorry for what they had done, and that is something new!

Meg is continuing to have accidents, but at this point I am seeing improvement there as well. I have started keeping track, at Megan’s request, the days that she is wet or dry. She did have an accident yesterday, but before that, it had been 2 days since her last accident!! I am keeping track of the nightime accidents as well, but I am not really concerned about those. After all, I was 10 before I stopped wetting the bed at night, and really it is a common occurance for children to have night time accidents at this age. During the day I try to remind her to go to the bathroom, in hopes that she will start “reminding” herself…I am getting better at remembering to remind, but still we deal with the times when I am sleeping (yes, I do sleep occasionally!! *LOL*). I will be ever so thankful when I am able to work from home!!

Okay, well, I’m sure this is much longer than many of you really wanted to read!! *LOL* But I know since you love me that you will endure my thoughtless ramblings! Have I ever told you how much you, my friends, mean to me?? Your support, encouragement, and advice are priceless!! The ears, and sometimes shoulders that you lend, they too are priceless, and held very dear in my heart!! I truly wouldn’t know what to do without you!! Life can be so very lonely at times, and scary too!! Knowing that I have you all to turn to, makes life a little bit easier!! I sincerely hope that I need not name names, in order for you to know that I am talking about you!!!

LOVE and HUGS to you all!!! I hope all is well with you and your families!!!

Time Passing Too Fast

Meg’s birthday came and went, without even the endearing post I was going to do…I’m sorry My Sweet…perhaps next year!!

Time is passing too quickly….the girls haven’t been on in months to blog, mostly because I don’t have the time to help them….My days off come and go, seemingly without me ever getting anything accomplished…My house is a disaster, and yet, I wonder how to find the time to clean it. We have even taken the last couple of weeks off from school, to resume this coming Monday, but with everything going on, I thought a break would be good, and it has been, but still I don’t see that I got anything more accomplished without school either….Where does all the time go??

That was one of my biggest thoughts the day my baby turned 7…Where did the time go? How could she be 7 already?? Such a tiny baby she was….all clean and sweet smelling…*LOL* Now she is a dirty little monster most days, but it is all in fun and love of life, so I don’t mind so much…

I have so many things on my mind today, but just can’t seem to put them into words, and so I will leave off with sending *hugs* to my dearest of friends, the Dixons. I miss chatting with you, and hope that I can find the time for a good chat soon!!

And to a special friend of many years, I hope that our relationship continues to grow and abound in trust, because I’ve really missed you! *HUGS*

Light Fixtures

As she stood looking at light fixtures, the thought occured to her that she had no business being here, trying to shop for something that she had no knowledge of….but what choice did she have? For the first time in her life, she was alone, and that thought scared her to death!! So many things that she didn’t know how to handle…What would happen if her toilet plugged, and a simple plunging job didn’t do the trick? How about now, when she needed to buy a light fixture, but had no idea which one to get?

Walk In Bathtubs

There have been many times that I have written about things I would like for my house, or how my house would be decorated. Dreams of mine I suppose, but who knows, they might just come true someday.

Anyway, I have to admitt that the thought of walk in bathtubs had never occured to me, it does hold a certain appeal..*LOL*…I don’t usually take baths, but the occasional bubble bath would be nice, providing I had a nice big bathtub so I don’t feel cramped.

Baby Cribs

As horrible and scary as her life seemed sometimes, everything at this moment, as she stood gazing at the baby cribs, seemed perfect. She was bringing a new life into this world. One that would be loved unconditionally by her. One that she would do everything in her power to protect, and care for. Her baby would not grow up as she had, but would have a better life.

Best Acne Treatment

She stood in front of the shelves in the local drug store, looking for the best acne treatment, but of course, they all claimed to be the best. That is part of why making decisions was so hard for her….there never seemed to be a clear-cut answer. She would try to weigh the pros and cons of her decisions, but than after thinking she had her mind made up, she would start to wonder if that truly was the right decision…It made life very complicated, but than no-one ever said life would be easy.

Blessed Beyond Measure

As I sit here, I can hear my sleeping children breathing…It is a comforting sound, a loving sound…Knowing that they are curled up sleeping on my bed, dreaming sweet dreams, before they waken to a new and beautiful morning.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. A time when children are to honor their mothers, a time to show their mother’s how much they love them….And yet it is I who is honored. Who am I to have such wonderful, dear, sweet children? Who am I to have their unconditional love? I am but a human, one who has made countless mistakes, and though I try to be better, I still continue to make mistakes….Their love and forgiveness brings tears to my eyes!

Why did God choose me to be their mother? Surely there is someone else in the world that could have and would do better with them? Someone that wouldn’t make so many mistakes with them.. All I know is that NO ONE could love them as much as I do!!

I thank God for my girls…They are the light of my life…they are the rock of my soul…they are what keeps me on the straight and narrow! They are what keeps me turning to God, for guidence, for strength, for wisdom…They are what has me seeing God’s love….When they laugh, I hear God’s laughter, when they tell me that they love me, I see God’s love shining in their eyes…When they wrap their arms around me, it is like being wrapped in God’s arms….The love I feel from my girls….it is beyond words, much like the love that I feel from God!

So now that I’m crying again…I just wanted to take a moment to tell my girls how much I love them, and how very special they are to me!! I wanted them to know that I would not trade them for anything in the world, no matter how irritated I get when they argue, or when they don’t do something I’ve asked them to do….

My dearest ones…I love you with all my heart!! There is NOTHING in this world that is more important to me, than you!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

HDMI Wall Plate

Father’s Day was just around the corner, which was why she was online looking at different stores…She wanted to get the perfect gift for her father, as a way of showing him just how much he meant to her! Her ideas had run from different books, to watches, to HDMI wall plates, but none of those seem just right….She was tired and rather frustrated as she closed out the windows to the different online stores….Why is it that she could not put her fingers on the perfect gift?

Phentermine

Her mind was always busy….Sometimes she felt overwelmed by the fact that her mind got no rest….She was always thinking about work, what she needed to do, errands she needed to run, hopes and dreams she had….always, never ceasing were her thoughts. At this moment, her thoughts were on Phentermine, and the campaign she was putting together for it. In another five minutes her thoughts would go onto what she would make for dinner, or her plans for after work, or well the possibilities were endless….Sometimes she wondered if she would go crazy, because of her never ceasing thoughts.

Update

Sorry everyone…everytime I think I will have a moment to get in here, something comes up…So much has been going on!!! I can’t even remember where I’ve left off with my other personal entries, so if I repeat something, forgive me!

The weather here has been up and down…One day really nice, and than another day chilly…The wind has been blowing for days, and I don’t mean a gentle stirring of the air, I mean flat out BLOWING!!!…There was even a Tornado Warning in a neighboring county acouple of nights ago, or maybe it was last night?? Who knows, my days and nights tend to all run together at times!!!

Took the girls to the park Tuesday evening….They had a really good time, as there was another family of kids there. They had so much fun playing together. Megan took a fall and bloodied her knee…nothing major of course, and deffinitely nothing out of the ordinary for my accident prone child…*LOL*…

Wednesday we went back to the park. There was again another family of kids there (different ones than the day before)…so the girls started playing, and I decided that I would walk around the outside perimeter of the park, as I often do, in an attempt to get some exercise, and lose weight….Well the father of the family called me over, and I could see at that moment that Megan was crying so I ran over……Got Meg calmed enough to tell me what happened, since I couldn’t see any apparent injuries…She told me she fell…well okay…fell from where? I asked…She pointed up at the tallest slide, which in my very bad height preception, I’m calling 6 feet up…….She than told me that she landed on her back….Me, being the good Mommy stayed calm, but on the inside I was going “OMG!!!!!!!!”….Anyway, I take her to sit down, and we sat for maybe 10 minutes when she asked to go home, and I thought that was a pretty good idea…After getting home I decided that I better take her to the ER to have her checked out. I didn’t really think there was anything wrong, but I wanted to be sure, especially since I hadn’t seen the fall, and couldn’t be sure of how she landed…Anyway, xrays and the Dr. said she was fine, but that she would be stiff and sore for a few days…So all is well again!!!

My medical transcriptioning course is going well….The first half of the course (give or take) is actually a seperate course on medical terminology, which you have to do before the actual transcriptioning part. I have 3 more chapters on the terminology, and than it will be time to take mid-terms for that course….I am excited, and yet nervous about mid-terms!! I have finished chapter 6, and have done passibly well on all the tests for the chapters….My lowest score was a 90%….which I think is pretty good….I’m hoping to keep getting the good grades, as I’m sure that means that I am learning the material well enough to make it through mid-terms.

The girls and I have had a developement over the past couple of weeks. Well, the story actually starts almost 10 years ago, when I was friends with a girl named Ange….She was the same age as I was, and someone I considered a friend, one of my VERY FEW friends….She’s an adopted kid, so she actually has nephews older than she is…Anyway, she introduced me to one of her nephews, and that’s where the biological father of my girls comes into the picture…I won’t go into the rest of the details…but I let my friendship with Ange fall apart, something of which I have always been sorry about….In any case, I knew that some of the biological father’s family was living right here in the very town that I live in, but we had been doing well at avoiding each other for the past two years….Up until the day the girls and I went to Pizza Hut. We hadn’t been in there in months, and than all of a sudden Ange comes in….and comes over and talks to the girls and I….Now it’s been probably 7 years since I had talked to her, and 6 and 1/2 since the biological father or any of his family had talked to me (except for I think 4 phone calls over that 6 yr. period)…Anyway, I was really wondering why Ange was talking to me….wondering too if I could trust her….To make a long story short, she said she wants to be a part of the girls’ lives, as well as acouple of other family members. Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve visited acouple of times, but we’re kind of taking everything slow. Ange says I can trust her, and that she won’t say anything to the Bio. about having contact with the girls (at my request) as have the other Aunt and Uncles that the girls have met.

We will see what happens…It’s really too long of a story to tell you all the details, so I hope that you all won’t judge by these little tidbits that I put in here!!! Lets just say that I am wary, and nervous about renewing these friendships….worried that I will get hurt (emotionally) again in some way, as seems to happen with most of my friendships/relationships, and yet a part of me is overjoyed that the girls have other people that love and care about them (presumably), and that I have people to call friend. I am by nature a very socialable person, and yet I have always had problems in the friend department, which has left me feeling really lonely!! My sister is my best friend *LOL* at least most of the time…but she also has a very busy life, and lives 20 minutes away….There are times that it would be nice to have someone here in town…Like the other night, we called Ange to see if she and her kids wanted to come to the park with us…they couldn’t, but it was still a nice feeling to know that we had someone here, just 2 blocks away actually, that we can call or drop in on….

Ange also said that if I ever needed anything, or any help to call her….It’s something I’m being very cautious about, but again, it’s a nice feeling to know that there is someone so close, if I need something….It’s just hard…I was led to believe, by the bio. and his mother that the whole family had no use for me, and didn’t think I should have the girls….And I believed them, therefore I have avoided the whole family, even those I thought were my friends, like the plague…Now, with talking to Ange, and some of the others, I’ve mentioned some of what I had been told, and they deny that was ever there feelings….It’s a matter of who to believe…I have an idea of how it all came to be, after thinking about it for awhile, but that is not something to be told here….In any case, we take this one step at a time, with much thought and prayer!!

The girls are thrilled with the “new” family….They are after me constantly to go see Aunt Ange, and some of the other family. Of course this doesn’t always work, as Ange and her family have their own lives, and jobs and such…but I find it endearing that my girls can be so excepting of changes in their lives. I can tell you that I have peace in my heart with these new relationships, even if I do worry and second guess myself.

It’s unbelievable to me that Meg will be 7 years old in just 2 weeks!!! It seems like only yesterday that I was in the hospital holding the newborn babe in my arms!! The years have passed much too quickly!! I am sad to see her growing up, and exhillarated at the same time!! Much the same with all parents I’m sure….

Other than that…not much else is going on that I can think of at the moment…Hope this entry wasn’t too long that nobody wanted to read the whole thing!!!!

Love and Hugs to my friends!!!!